Family Ties
by Drive all night
Summary: An unsettling conversation between friends. A #Burzek conversation that has been a long time coming. As the family they relied on crumbles around them Adam carries the burden of grief over Al's death, his determination to protect his family and their failed relationship. He gives Kim an ominous warning that rattles her. #Burzek
1. Punishment

"I'm sorry." Adam apologised although it seemed irrelevant now. Not exactly irrelevant but just too late for him to do anything about it. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I'm sorry I made you doubt yourself. I had no idea that's how you felt."

"It was a long time ago Adam."

"We never talked about it though did we?" It was true, they never had and so much water had gone under the bridge since then. It was just another thing that he had ruined, pretty much like everything he ever did, at some point he fucked it all up. Why should she be any different? He'd fucked her up too apparently.

Now was not the time either to trawl through past mistakes. He wanted to support her and let her know he had her back, that he always had. It felt like it had often been a one way street though, he often felt that it was reciprocated, not as unconditionally as he did. When they were together it was a different story, he certainly always felt like he had support but once it was over and as time went on he never got the sense that she'd have his back if he really needed it so he made sure he never put her in the position to have to protect him. If he was honest the whole thing with Roman kind of destroyed that trust in him, or at least shook it. "Anyway, I'm sorry about Blair and whatever you need, all you have to do is ask. I trust you and if you say something's not right, then it's not right."

"Thank you."

Adam turned to go and then turned back to face her. "In this place you've gotta watch your own back, be careful Kim."

"What does that mean?"

"Not everyone here has your best interests at heart, just remember that." He didn't really know how to articulate what he was feeling without just spilling his guts and spilling his guts wouldn't be good for anyone. Especially him and those he was protecting. If she knew what he'd done, was doing she would be complicit because he would make her promise to keep it to herself. That would chew her up inside.

"Adam, you are not making sense."

It sounded so ominous; she got the sense that he knew something. It was a strange feeling; she had always had the ability to read him but at the moment he was very closed off. He wasn't the same guy she'd fallen in love with, he had changed but it seemed like it wasn't just a natural progression. He felt like he didn't even like himself at the moment. He looked tried, drained of life most of the time. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and she honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him smile, like really smile. His smile always lit up his face, his eyes would crinkle and now he just a distant look in his eyes. It was unsettling but until now she hadn't really thought about it.

Adam was so far in her rearview mirror lately that she never stopped to really see what was going on with him, he'd moved on, he wasn't hers to worry about. She had her own personal demons to deal with. Right now, she felt a little guilty.

"Adam, are you okay?"

"Yep." He shrugged. "Sure. I just want to make sure you keep your wits about you. Do things by the book, look after yourself."

"You make it sound like people are out to get me, or you…" she tried to catch his eye but Adam avoided her look. "..or the Unit."

"Someone is always out to get the unit, nothing new about that." The laugh was forced, it sounded hallow but it wasn't untrue. They always worked knowing they were one case away from oblivion. Someone was always keen to hang their hat on wall and declare IU dead and buried.

"Is this about Kelton?"

"This is about everyone Kim."

Kim sat down heavily. "You know this is all I wanted, to be up here and I felt like I worked hard and earned my spot. It wasn't easy. Al had a go at me about being a badge bunny…." Adam went to speak and Kim held up her hand. "…I know that wasn't you. He was just protective of you, he thought of you like a son." The painful look on his face wasn't lost on her, he had never talked about Al's death. Worse yet, she had never asked. The moment they found out Al died Adam was there, supporting her. Hours later he was a completely different man and she just stood back, deciding it was better to stay out of it. Kevin told her that he'd talked to him and he was okay and she left it at that. "I just wanted to put my head down and prove everyone wrong."

"You did, you earned your spot, you keep earning it."

"It's not easy though. I still feel like I have to prove myself constantly. You don't have that."

"Probably not, I can't do anything about that. I can't make people believe in you, if I could I would. You don't have to prove yourself to me though, you know that right?"

"I know. You've always had faith in me even when I didn't deserve it. Even now, especially now. You have no reason to; your loyalty lies elsewhere."

Adam shook his head. "My loyalty is to the unit, that's all. Just don't follow my lead, stay true to yourself because who you are has never changed, don't lose that heart, don't let this place beat you or wear you down. If it does; get out Kim, get out before it destroys you."

"I don't like this conversation Adam."

"Neither do I." He knocked on the side of the locker he was leaning on indicating they were done and he didn't want to talk anymore, he'd said more than enough. "Let's go catch this asshole."

Kim placed her hand on his arm to stop him walking out and he looked at it sadly. "Are you happy Adam?" It was the tilt of his head, the pained looked in his eyes and just the sense of defeat she got from him. "Adam?"

"It's what I deserve…"

"What are you doing?"

"Punishing myself." He pulled his arm away angrily and walked out. He heard her call him name but didn't look back. He couldn't.


	2. Blame

"Is Ruzek coming?" Kevin looked around the group gathered at Molly's. It had been a long time since they'd all been together here. Kevin had decided they needed it, Kim had talked to him about how she felt that they were all split and the family feeling they once had was teetering. "I called him and he didn't pick up?"

Nobody had any idea and even Hailey just shrugged and turned her attention back to her conversation with Halstead. It irked Kevin a little. Ruzek wasn't the same anymore, why could no one see or more to the point, why did no one care? It had taken him a while to notice it and he was disappointed with himself for that, he should have been onto this earlier.

He looked at Kim, raising one eyebrow and she got it.

When she got a chance, when Hailey headed to the bar to buy a round Kim swallowed her pride. She swore she wasn't going to talk about Adam with her, she'd moved on, he'd moved on and talking to his new girlfriend was fraught with danger. She didn't want anyone to see that it did bother her so she had just decided to be the adult in the room at the time and now it was too late. Adam's unsettling admission put paid to that, first and foremost his wellbeing was more important because she still cared about him, more than she wanted to admit. "I'm surprised Adam's not here. He rarely misses a chance to tie one on." She tried to keep it light.

"Guess he's not in the mood."

"Is he okay?"

Hailey shrugged. "I guess so, just typical Adam. You never know what mood he's going to be in." She picked up the drinks and headed back to the table leaving Kim stewing on her words.

Well that was bullshit, or at least it used to be. Adam's moods were pretty consistent. He loved life, his friends and having a drink. He wasn't moody and you could read him like a book, he was open and friendly, at least that was the Adam she remembered but everyone changes and perhaps he had more than most, especially lately.

"Well this is a surprise?" Adam frowned a little when he opened the door. He wasn't expecting anyone and was enjoying the peace and quiet. He knew he was supposed to be at Molly's for drinks, Kevin had almost begged him to come but he blew it off at the last minute. He just didn't feel like talking to people and pretending everything was okay.

"Who were you expecting?"

"Nobody, definitely not you."

He certainly didn't open the door to welcome her in. "I'm worried about you Adam."

"Don't be? Don't waste your time."

"You don't get to decide what I can and can't worry about." Kim pushed past him. "What the fuck is going on with you?"

"I'm fine."

"You are not fine." Kim used air quotes repeating what he'd told her a few days ago. "It's what I deserve, punishing myself, should I go on?"

"It's none of your business. It was your choice to stop making it your business when you gave me back your engagement ring."

"So that's what this is about?"

"Nope. You get to blame me for making you doubt yourself, fair enough, I'll cop that. Doesn't mean I didn't suffer as well." Adam waved her anyway. "Anyway, water under the bridge. I fucked up; I keep fucking up. You are better off away from me."

"You honestly think that? What do you keep fucking up? Talk to me Adam."

"You, I fucked up you, you basically told me that, I fucked up Al, Antonio, the Unit, everything I touch turns to shit." He glared at her. "Just go, before I fuck everything else up too."

"What, you and Hailey."

"Ha, that's been fucked from the start." His laugh was weird and a little unsettling.

"What does that mean?"

"Neither of us want whatever it is that's going on."

"Then why do it."

He stepped forward, grabbing her cheeks with both hands. "Because it stops this…" He leant in close and then pulled back. "…it stops this hurting too much. Please leave." He stepped back just as suddenly, his breathing was labour and hers wasn't much better. Being this close to him hurt her more than she thought it would. That last night they spent together, when she'd pulled him out of Molly's flashed through her mind. It wasn't helpful right now and she blinked slowly trying to displace it. "Kim, just leave."

"No."

"Jesus, this is what you wanted." He growled at her angrily. "You wanted this, and now you have some sense of pity or I don't know what and now you want to fix it. You could have fixed this a long time ago, but you didn't, you didn't want too. You didn't want me. You don't get to fix me now."

"Are you done?"

"Are you still here?" He shot back at her.

Kim just sat on his couch; she knew it pissed him off but she wasn't leaving until she was satisfied. If nobody else seemed to care what was going on with him, she would. Kev had tried and got nowhere, she had to try. There was something else, something else he said that nagged her. "What about Al?"

He was surprised by the change in topic. "He's dead."

"Yes he is. You said you fucked up Al?"

"Well he's dead because of me."

"That's bullshit Adam."

"Is it? You have no idea." It was so close to the surface; it was eating him from the inside out.

"Then tell me."

"Fine, Woods came to me, he found out I got my sister off a DUI and tried to blackmail me into ratting out Voight, I couldn't do it, I tried to play both sides of the coin and it failed. Al found out; Voight knew. Woods turned on Al when he couldn't get me to do his dirty work, we tried to play him, Al ended up in jail and now he's dead. I could have stopped it." It flowed out of him relentlessly and now he started he couldn't stop. He'd kept it inside for far too long, it was eating him up. He had not told a soul, not even Voight wanted anything to do with it. As far as he was concerned it was over, but it wasn't over for Adam, not by a long shot. "Happy now. Al is dead and it all started with me."

"No it didn't Adam, it all started with that dead body. It started a long time ago, before you and I were even out of diapers, you know this." Everyone knew what went down, it was no secret, they were smart people and put the pieces together. Voight and Olinsky had been skating on thin ice for a long, long time, Al always knew one day it would bite him on the ass, Voight knew it as well. It was all a matter of time. "It's not your fault."

"Sure it's not."

"It's not Adam, it's not. Voight played a game and he lost. Al did too."

"It's all so easy for you isn't it?" Adam waved his hand. "Moving on is easy for you. I wish I had your ability to turn off my feelings."

"I never turned them off."

"No?" He smiled a little ruefully. "Anyway, doesn't really matter does it? If it wasn't Al, it would be someone else. Woods is gone and up pops the next one, Kelton goes, who's next? It's never going to end. It's a never ending game of whack-a-mole. The sooner you accept that the better off it will be."

"That's very defeatist of you."

"Eventually you just can't get up when you get kicked anymore." Adam shook his head sadly, it wasn't just Al's death that was weighing on him, it was everything, his whole life lately felt like one relentless battle to get up after being kicked, he was done. "Even a dog will just lie there and accept their fate one day."

"So that's it, that's what you are doing? Accepting your fate."

"If it stops someone else dying, then yes."

"Oh how benevolent of you." Kim bit back at him sarcastically. "What about the people who care about you? Your Pops, Kevin, Hailey…" she was a bit stunned when she saw a strange look on his face. "..what is it?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit Adam, this is all bullshit."

"Don't you see it? It's as clear as day…." He looked exasperated. "I'm not the guy she cares about."

"Then why is she with you."

"She's hiding."

"From what?"

"Fucked if I know."

"And you are okay with this?"

"As I said, it's what I deserve. Don't really care to be honest. Got bigger things to worry about…." He just left the rest of the sentence hang in the air between them. "…so you done? I've got a headache; I need an early night."

"It's midnight Adam."

"Goodnight Kim." He opened the door and leant on it until she got the hint. She wasn't done, but he was. She paused briefly and reached for his hand on his hip and squeezed it. For just a moment he looked like he was going to say something else. "Take care." he muttered. "Look after yourself."


	3. Splintered

It was a strange few weeks. Everything was still off kilter but Adam seemed more relaxed, a little bit of the old Adam was seeping back in. He still had a hard edge about him but she could see some light in his eyes again.

There had been a bit of a ruckus in the foyer between him and Hailey, everyone knew about it and talked about it. You couldn't walk into the locker room without hearing some version of it. Kim knew how ugly that could get, she'd been part of that locker room gossip back when she blew up everything with Adam and got involved with Roman. It could be brutal.

She tried to stay out of it, she didn't want to hear about it but it seemed to clear the air and Adam started to be a little more comfortable around the rest of the Unit. Except Antonio, they had some weird thing going on, tension between them had ebbed and flowed for months. He didn't say a word about Antonio when he was in rehab, he stayed out of and refused to get drawn into any discussion about it. If it came up he'd get up and walk out of the room.

Both of them had got into it a few times, everyone had seen it but now it was just this strange truce that she her teeth on edge.

This place was a tinderbox and every day she was just waiting for it explode. Adam's dire warning played on her mind constantly. She'd talked to Kevin about it and he couldn't shed any light on what was going on but he felt it too.

"Don't know Burgess." He shrugged, handing her the box of donuts he'd just bought so she could pick one. They were watching a house of a known drug dealer. It seemed small fry but they had both jumped at the chance not to be in the bullpen. Ruzek had actually looked disappointed that they were leaving and he was stuck in the bullpen with the others. He would do anything not to be at the District right now.

"It's weird though right? I mean Ruzek seems better lately but he's still worried about something."

"You know he broke up with Upton."

"I guessed." Kim shrugged. She'd heard all the rumours but it was none of her business. At least she was trying not to make it her business. "Not my business."

Kevin just cocked an eye at her. He'd tried once to talk to her about it but she had refused to even give it a moment. Adam was free to do whatever he liked, date whoever he wanted. That's how she had to play it and she'd play it until the day she died, no matter how much it hurt.

"He's better now though right?" It was a pointed question but Kevin was just stating the obvious. He'd had drifted away from Ruzek lately, not deliberately but he seem to cut himself off from everyone else. While he was obviously dating Upton it seemed more often than not he was alone, on the odd occasion they caught up as a team at Molly's Ruzek was rarely there, Upton always was though. It was weird. He didn't get the relationship and tried to talk to Ruzek about it but got nothing. This wasn't his best mate; something was eating him from the inside but until Ruzek let him in he could claw at him as much as he wanted but he was as stubborn as a mule. He'd tried to talk to him about Al's death after they'd been caught up in the kid with a gun incident but he'd shut down. Told him he couldn't lose anyone else and then preceded to shut everyone that cared about him out.

"Yeah, he seems better but you know it's still not Ruzek."

"People change."

Kim wasn't letting it go. "Yeah but Ruzek? He hasn't just changed, it's like he's a completely new man, someone I don't recognise." Kim didn't particularly like this version of Ruzek, but damn it if some part of her didn't still love him.

"He doesn't want my help, I've tried Burgess. He needs to go through whatever he's going through on his own, he's made that perfectly clear. I don't know what else to do."

"Neither do I." Kim took a deep steadying breath. "I'm scared Kev."

Kevin squeezed her hand. "Hang on to me Burgess."

"I have this feeling of impending doom."

"Why?"

"No reason." She lied. The feeling of helplessness came directly from Ruzek and she desperately wanted to talk to Kev about it but she had promised him that she wouldn't share what he'd told her with anyone, even Kevin. It was to stay between them and she wasn't going to betray him, it was the least she could do.

She did wonder though, late at night when it was eating away at her under what circumstance would she break his trust? If he was in trouble, would she do whatever it took to save him? If push came to shove could she and would he ever forgive her for breaking his trust.

Kim felt for the chair behind her and she sat down with a bit of a thud. She knew that Kevin was behind her and he hadn't moved as they watched Adam being escorted down the stairs. "Kev." She whispered desperately.

"I know Kim, just breathe. We'll figure it out."

The room was spinning and you could hear a pin drop and Kim felt like she was going to vomit.

"What the fuck?" She bolted to the locker room and was surprised that she didn't vomit but she gripped the side of the basin in anticipation, her knuckles whitening the tighter she held on and tried to get some air into her lungs.

Damn him, damn him for having this grip on her, this grip on her heart that she just couldn't shake. She felt the angry roiling in her gut but it passed, she could be angry later right now she needed to figure out what the hell was going on and how they were going to help him. He hadn't wanted them to come down and he'd probably argue that he didn't need help now either but there was no way she was going to stand by and let him take the fall for everyone else. He'd told her there were people out to get Intelligence, if he was going down, she'd go down with him because that's what family do.

Kevin had checked in on her before he marched downstairs to talk to Platt, if anyone was going to know what was going on it was her. Obviously she did, she'd come up to get him and they both seemed to know what it was for, Platt always knew. Voight was nowhere to be found, Dawson had suddenly announced that he would go look for Voight and took off.

Coming out of the locker room the bullpen was empty and glancing around she found Halstead and Upton in the break room obviously deep in discussion. Now was not the time to be having private little chats. They needed to all get on the same page and figure this out before there was nothing left to save.

As soon as Kim walked in they both looked at her and stopped talking. "What do you know?"

"Nothing Kim, don't worry." Jay stepped away from Hailey, almost nervously.

"Don't fucking worry? It's Adam, he's been arrested…Adam." Kim couldn't believe they were seriously telling her not to worry. "You know what, don't fucking bother." She turned on her heel and slammed the door behind her. The glass and blind rattling shattered her last resolve and she leant against the wall and slid to the ground.

"Kim." Her head snapped up when Hailey approached her.

"What?"

"Adam will be okay, let Platt deal with it. We need to stay out of it."

"Whatever Hailey." She hauled herself up from the floor. "Do whatever you want Hailey but I'm not going to stay out of it." Kim brushed past her and ignored Hailey's attempt to stop her.

"Officer Burgess." She snapped when Kim didn't stop when she asked.

Kim didn't even break stride, she headed downstairs to find Kevin. They'd get to the bottom of this, with or without anyone's help and if that meant disobeying orders then so be it.

Adam Ruzek deserved better.

_**So let's see what the new season brings, hopefully something better than last year. Hopefully Antonio gets a proper send-off, and Ruzek's short lived incarceration knocks some sense into him & we also get #Burzek & #Burzekwater back supporting each other like the friends/family that they are.**_

_**Hope you enjoyed this little short rambling...**_


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